Adventures of a Random Dude in a Forest

Where am I?
What is this place? It seems to be all green.
Oh. It’s grass. I’m in a forest, huh?
But how did I get here?
Ow. My head.
I must have crashed here.

As I looked around, I saw a backpack lying near by. It seemed to be mine. The last thing I remember was hiking up a hill. Oh well. Trees seemed to stretch out in all directions, but this shouldn’t be too hard, right?

So the backpack was mine. However, my compass has disappeared, along with some food I had packed for my hike. Great. Now I’m hungry. There seemed to be nothing to eat.

As I walked through the forest, I regretted not paying attention in Boy Scouts. I never got past Second Class. Hence, I didn’t really know many survival skills. Oh no… how was I ever going to escape this forest?

Night is falling, so I roll out my sleeping bag, and hit the sack.

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I found myself in a fancy restaurant with a beautiful girl. As she leaned close to me to kiss me, I heard an odd buzz in my ear.

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I woke up, finding a fly buzzing in my ear. It was three o’clock in the afternoon. My backpack was ruined. It looked like a bear tore it. There was a huge gash in the fabric, and I doubt that most animals would make such a mark. Oh great, now my backpack was gone too.

Wait. There are bears here? I hope not. I probably couldn’t run from a bear.

Then I turned around and saw a big brown bear a few feet away. It was looking at me.

Oh, God Almighty. Why me?

I tried to back away. The bear roared.

The bear charged. I prepared to die. I said my final prayers. I can’t believe it’s going to end like this.

I slipped, and fell face first. As the bear seemingly charged right over me, it felt like I was being trampled. Yet, somehow, I was still alive.

The bear crashed into a tree and got knocked out. I (somehow) got a knife out, and finished it off, and then lit a fire to cook its meat.

Huh. Think of the irony. Instead of a bear eating me, I eat the bear.

After my big and not-so-tasty meal, I continued to walk through the forest. Along the way, I saw a small group of people. They seemed to be filming something.

“Ray, if you think you can defeat me, you are more foolish than you look. Even if you had one thousand years of training, there is no way that someone like you could put a scratch on me,” said one.

I walked towards the group, but I didn’t notice there was a river in between the group, and me and I fell in.

I washed up a few miles away (I think) in another area of the forest. It was a different color. Here, all the leaves were red. It was springtime. It must have been a different color pigment in the leaves. I could have sworn I saw a small glimpse of sunlight, which was strange as it wasn’t very dark. Just guessing, I walked towards the light.

I came out of the forest onto a plateau. Not so far away, I saw a city. Finally, civilization! Now, how do I get down from here? There was no noticeable way down from the rocky outcrop, at least with my finesse. It looked like the distance to the ground if I jumped was OVER NINE THOUSAND!!! (WHAT, NINE THOUSAND?) Oh, I meant inches. But that’s still, like, 750 feet?

How was I supposed to breathe in this air? Never mind, I would need to be about 3,000 feet above the ground for that to happen. I guess…

I scanned the area for a way down. There were none. It took long hours of searching to find a small incline that I could use as a slide. A very, very steep slide. Having no other choice, I edged onto it, and down I went.

The ride felt like a roller coaster, with no safety equipment, nothing. I screamed for what seemed like hours. Finally, I saw the bottom. I also saw the slide end about twenty feet off the floor.

I woke up in a hospital in Colorado. I lived in New York. Now, instead of being stuck in a forest, I ended up without money to fly home. Oh great…

To be continued…  Because I can!